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Various religions suggest that there's a "special" hell for certain sins (hurting children, being cruel to animals, using the word "blog" as a verb, etc). Who else needs a "special" hell?
Kent Heine: Guitarists who play a Paul Reed Smith.
Due to poor financial planning, you've got to eat for an entire week on only US$10. What do you buy, food-wise?
Kent Heine: Two boxes of Corn Pops, a loaf of day-old bread, generic peanut butter, and a quart of milk.
What's the biggest misconception that people have about you?
Kent Heine: I'm in a Christian rock band.
What's the worst injury you've ever suffered for your art (e.g. Second degree burns from shorted-out mic, broken leg from failed stage dive)? Tell us about it.
Kent Heine: Carpal Tunnel.
You've locked your car keys inside the tour van and don't have AAA. How do you get the door open?
Kent Heine: I bust off the van's antenna. At the corner of the antiquated triangular "defrosting" window located on the passenger front-seat side of the 1986 Ford Econoline, I pinpoint the little space that has been whistling at me from Atlanta to Missoula, blatantly flirting with my level of patience when it comes to torture based on mere irritation; nothing less than a tea kettle that perpetually boils. I extend the antenna to its greatest length (phallically more impressive than its prior ability to receive signals only from radio towers broadcasting Car Talk) and carefully poke it through my arch-nemesis, not in a dagger-like motion, but more like placing a bone in Milton Bradley's Operation. As I steer it across the width of the van, gravity renders the antenna limp. For a moment, I feel sorry for the antenna, even a bit embarrassed. Then I realize that we've got only four hours to get to Bellingham for our sound check. For the next thirty minutes, I play the curve of the antenna like a pole vaulter would with his pole and repeatedly attempt to stab the "unlock" button positioned across the van on the inside of the driver side's door. The antenna seems to become only more flaccid with each attempt, and I quietly realize that I'd be utterly bad at fencing. After a half hour of achieving nothing resembling success, I become frustrated. I grab an old 10oz Tab Cola bottle aging along side the road and crash it into the corner window, shattering it entirely. I reach my arm into the newly born space and unlock the door. From Bellingham to San Diego to Austin to New York, neither Car Talk nor my whistling adversary are heard from again.
Ever find useful stuff in the garbage? Describe your best-ever dumpster find and how you used it.
Kent Heine: I once found an entire case of imported wine. I used it to quench my thirst.
In the UK, trying to kill the Queen is still technically a capital offense. If the Queen tried to commit suicide and failed, could she be sentenced to death? Explain.
Kent Heine: Since she already had sentenced herself to death once, albeit in the hands of an incompetent executioner, I'm guessing she'd sentence herself again.
If you were a 50ft high Tyrannosaurus Rex, would you use your powers for good or evil? Who would you go after first?
Kent Heine: I'd use it for good. I don't know, maybe the insurance industry.
What's your favorite board game? Why do you like it?
Kent Heine: Settlers of Katan. Play it sometime and you'd probably agree.
Everyone likes at least one cheesy/crappy song that totally kills their cred. What's yours?
Kent Heine: The Scorpions' "Wind of Change".
The standard touring vehicle is always a beat-up van. What has been the worst/weirdest method of conveyance you've had to use on a tour?
Kent Heine: After our transmission went out on the second-to-last day of a three-month tour, we convinced two strangers at a gas station to drive us from Providence to Boston so that we could open up for the Antipop Consortium.
What was the best meal you were supplied by a tour venue? What was the worst?
Kent Heine: The best: homemade fettuccine alfredo at Beachland Ballroom. The worst: "Sorry, we just closed the kitchen."
Will it ever truly be possible to "rock the vote", or will apathy, indifference and laziness always triumph over activism?
Kent Heine: Don't you know that indifference is indeed a form of activism? I've experienced the middle of an emo crowd.
You want to cry? I'll give you something to cry about. What would you like to cry about?
Kent Heine: I once found myself crying about not crying very well. Given the circumstances, my friend actually understood why this troubled me.
If you could watch one historical event re-enacted by a cast of chimpanzees, which one would it be, and why?
Kent Heine: The Last Supper, because regardless of the change of species, I'd still ponder as to whether or not the person to the right of Jesus is a man or a woman.
What is the coolest tattoo you've ever seen (and don't choose one of your own)?
Kent Heine: In all honesty, my girlfriend has a tattoo that outlines her cleavage and the top half of her breasts. I'd have to go with that one.
How long after an unopened gallon of milk's "use-by" date has passed would you be willing to use it?
Kent Heine: Depends on how it smelt. I get food poisoning too easily for me to be messing around with skunk milk.
What is the most unusual item you've thrown up on/in?
Kent Heine: On stage, during a show, on my bandmates' feet.
Do you prefer the term "underwear" or "underpants"? What does that say about you?
Kent Heine: Underwear. It says that I was raised by my mother and not my grandmother.
You've been asked to submit an anecdote or "tip" to a book called Everything I Need To Know About Life I Learned On Tour With My Band. What do you tell them?
Kent Heine: Nothing is ever quite satisfying enough.
What basic freedoms are you prepared to give up in exchange for your and your family's safety?
Kent Heine: The right to bear arms. Shoot, I'd actually put my family in danger to free us from that "right". Maybe I should take them hostage.
Due to a breakthrough in technology, it's possible to learn any skill, no matter how complex, pretty much instantly, by uploading the information directly into your brain (yes, like in The Matrix). Unfortunately, you can only do it once. What skill would you learn, and why?
Kent Heine: I'd learn how to play the drums. Why? I'm the worst drummer in rock n roll.
Not to be morbid, but let's assume that (a) you've died, and (b) you filled out an organ donor card and potential recipients are lining up. Which part of your body do you think will be most sought-after? Are there any bits no-one will want?
Kent Heine: I don't think anyone would want my liver.
A long-lost possession has turned up on Ebay, and you're prepared to pay much more than it's worth just to finally get it back. What is it? Why is it worth so much to you?
Kent Heine: My first car, a 1977 VW Dasher. Why? Because it was my first car.
You've been given the resources and financial backing to create a new satellite TV network that caters specifically to your tastes and the tastes of people like you. What's it called, and what does it show?
Kent Heine: It's called the Shim Network. Movies for Somewhat Androgynous Looking Men Who Love Movies.
There are literally hundreds of euphemisms for masturbation. What's the best one you've heard?
Kent Heine: Getting all transcendental with Moby Dick.
Which is worse: downloading an album and burning copies for five friends, or shoplifting one physical copy of the same CD from an overpriced national retailer? Explain your answer.
Kent Heine: I don't have a problem with either of these actions. As far as I'm concerned, burn burn burn.
A few years ago, anal sex was still taboo; nowadays it's trendy. What will be the next major sexual taboo to fall?
Kent Heine: Ear fucking.
What, in your opinion, is the best book ever written? And why?
Kent Heine: I don't know about "best book ever written," but my favorite book is A Farewell Waltz by Kundera.
The USA needs a universal healthcare system. So far, no president has gotten anywhere near implementing one. Why do you think they keep failing? (Bonus: outline your own plan for universal healthcare in 100 words or less.)
Kent Heine: They're not failing anything. They simply don't want healthcare reform, because they don't wish to chop off the hand that feeds them -- the direct result of lobbyism at its best. I recently got X-rays of my arms in view of Carpal Tunnel pain. I was not only charged several hundred dollars for the X-rays and the doctor's visit, but also separately charged $200 by "another doctor" who stopped by my waiting room to show me how to use the velcro on the prescribed wrist brace. Needless to say, I already knew how to use velcro and the wrist brace was utterly self-explanatory. If I would have known that I had no choice but to be charged $200 for this "presentation", I would have paid said doctor $150 to simply not stop by my room.
Right this very second, what are you most looking forward to, and why?
Kent Heine: Getting off work. I've got twenty minutes left.
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The Holy Ghost's latest, Welcome to Ignore Us, is available at right-thinking record stores everywhere.
-- George Zahora
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